Reflecting on the role of a father in a child’s life, I tried to remember how many fathers raising their children I have met. Of course, everyone has them as a biological unit. But such that “Dad, I know you, I respect you, I love you”?
I was able to find only three positive examples – the father of my classmate Lucy, who was able to explain complex things in simple terms and always found time to play and communicate with us.
And who still lives with Lucy’s mother and together they are already raising grandchildren. Uncle Seryozha’s neighbor. They were hardworking, with hands in the right place, didn’t drink, went on vacation with their wife and children. True, he hanged himself, never having lived to the age of his children, in the same apartment. So it is unlikely that this example can be called entirely positive.
And one friend of mine still lives with the cult of the ideal father and behaves like “daddy’s favorite girl, despite the fact that daddy died a long time ago.
Let’s look into the history
The rest of my classmates, acquaintances, girlfriends, fathers, or not at all, they were either mythical figures like an unknown “soldier”, test pilot, submarine commander, or very real Sunday dads.
There were also stepfathers. Or natural fathers living in families that were then confidently called normal. Only dads in it were alcoholics. “Good, only drinks, and so – a golden man.”
Those who drank did so with varying degrees of intensity. Yes, and the manifestations of such a father’s passion were different – someone kept the family at bay with their drunken brawls, someone quietly and peacefully got drunk in his closet or in the garage. There was also a category of non-drinking henpecked dads – such an unprepossessing, hunted little man, like Novoseltsev, with an imperious, loud-mouthed wife dictating the rules of life.
For some reason, for the generation of children of the 70s and 80s, this state of affairs in the family was considered commonplace – dad does not live with you and communicates or lives very irregularly. But with alcohol. Or dad is mom’s slave.
Yes, on the one hand, if in general patriarchy reigned in society, then in matters of raising children there was an unspoken, but the powerful cult of the mother. In the event of a divorce, the child was left with the mother. The father was not at all considered as a figure capable of caring and educating. But for the sake of truth, it must be said that few of the popes fought.
Only the pilot-hero Valentin Nenarokov from the film “The Crew”, popular in those years, tried to win back his son from his suddenly angry ex-wife. Popes alive, not cine-like, easily left the lives of children, and only the stubs of alimony receipts in the mailbox reminded them that they exist.
As a result, we got several generations of women angry at men and several generations of children brought up in this anger – “your father is a goat.”
Of course, divorce is not a joyful business, it is only in American films that spouses politely say to each other “I will send my lawyer to you.” In Soviet reality, with its square meters, divorce became a struggle for the right to share a “shoebox”, which was then called an apartment. And whoever has a child has more square meters in the bottom line.
But is it only the housing issue that has so distorted parent-child relationships? Or maybe you need to look deeper to understand why, so our dads ran away into alcohol or infantilism? Maybe they were so pressed by the image of their father-hero, who went through wars, camp, hunger, cold, death. After all, it is not easy to find masculinity next to someone whose courage is proven by actions, each of which is almost impossible to block in a calm and peaceful life.
My personal history
But back to the role of the father. What has he done and what is he responsible for? I don’t know if I would like to list beautiful and correct points for you. But in my life, there was almost no dad either.
He was around until I was 13 years old, then he appeared dotted for another 2 years, having already divorced my mother. After that, he completely disappeared. To reappear at my 31 and disappear again in 10 years. My dad taught me how to swim and ski. These are certainly useful skills. But what could I do with them as a woman?
Also, thanks to him, I experienced two absolutely polar stages of feelings – the hatred of the “goat and the traitor” inspired by my mother and complete deification. This is when, like an overripe 31-year-old girl, I told everyone with childish delight “this is my dad!”, Almost like the heroine of the film “Carnival”. And just like the heroine of the film, I suddenly saw the light, seeing in God an ordinary person, to whom only he and his way of life are dear.
As a psychologist, I think that a father gives his daughter a sense of security. Protection. And only in this security and protection can she become a woman, not a warrior. And this is the main task of the girl’s father.
Does the relationship with her father and with her father affect how she will build relationships with men? Yes and no. A woman who does not have a positive relationship with her father can herself become successful in building family life and relationships.
My “address” friends are an example of this. They are happy wives and mothers. But even behind their flowers, house, and all the “girlish” attributes, I hear the clang of war chariots. A girl who grew up without a father, without protection, has to become strong. And you can’t hide this power. And it is with this power that she creates the world around her the way she wants.
Do the men we choose to look like our dads?
Some elements of behavior, yes, of course. And often even daddy’s vices. For a long time, I chose cold and disappearing men for relationships. Which then appeared in my life, then disappeared. Appeared when they feel bad and disappeared when I feel bad. They left me alone with my problems and with the words “you are strong, you can handle it.”
They did not give gifts, did not help, and did not regret. It hurt, but it seemed normal because my dad behaved like that with me.
How can this be changed? Hours of personal therapy didn’t help the way life did. My dad threw it at me the year I lost both my mom and my inheritance. My whole prosperous world flew into hell.
The dad chose to defend his way of life from his daughter, who suddenly became confused and helpless. It is noteworthy that this year also men turned away from me, with whom I was in the “hot-cold” mode for many years. They fell away swiftly, like the tail of a lizard. Left alone, I realized that what matters is not the one who appears, but the one who does not disappear.
Not the one who tells you “you are strong, you can handle it”, but the one who silently does everything he can with you.
Why do I need you, dad? For this. To understand that I cannot choose or change you, but I can choose and change my life. You are no longer my model.