“Do not dramatize”, “do not cheat”, “what did you think of yourself”, and “it seemed to you” – are familiar phrases.
They all mean the same thing: “you perceive reality inadequately.” What to do if you are forced to doubt your adequacy?
Elena Shershneva, psychologist, author, and host of masterclasses, blogger, answers.
What Is Gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” comes from the title of the film with Ingrid Bergman “Gaslight”, 1944. There, the husband tried to convince his wife that she was crazy. He hid things in the house, turned on the gas lamp, and says to his wife that all this “seemed” to her.
The Stasi officers in the GDR used the same methods to break people. They entered the “victim’s” home, changed the situation there, rearranged things, damaged household appliances, and slowly left. And the owner felt how his roof was going.
Some gaslighters verbally convince a person that they have a mental disorder. “You’ve been behaving strangely lately, didn’t you have schizophrenia in your family?”, “You clearly need help, can you turn to a psychiatrist?”, “Your denial is a clear sign that the disease is progressing.”
Of course, not all gaslighters have such violent motives. Sometimes they just try to avoid responsibility for an unsightly act: “I never called you names, don’t invent,” “I remember exactly that I returned your money, you just forgot,” “There was no flirting, it seemed to you.” Or they themselves confuse events and cannot look at things objectively, but attribute it to you.
How To Protect Yourself From Gaslighting?
INCREASE CONFIDENCE. An insecure person is the easiest target for control and suggestion. After all, confidence is not only the ability to shine in the company. This is, first of all, the ability to hear oneself, assess one’s condition, and be responsible for one’s actions.
DEFEND YOURSELF. Do not agree that the vision of others is a priori more correct than yours. If you think that that blonde seduces your companion, then it is. So, in your understanding, “temptation” looks exactly like that. And in the understanding of a Muslim, “temptation” is already the fact that she is in a public place with her head uncovered. Therefore, phrases like “your jealousy drove you crazy!” It’s gaslighting.
ASK FOR THE OPINION OF UNINTERESTED PEOPLE. Of course, there are situations when a person really loses touch with reality. For example, on the second day without sleep, he works on an important project, drinks his 20th cup of coffee, and does not notice that his eye is already twitching … Then trying to explain to him that he is not OK is an elementary concern. Ask other people how they see the situation. This will help you understand the true picture.
CONTACT A PSYCHOLOGIST. If you want to figure it out once and for all: do you have mental problems, contact a psychologist. It will help to objectively analyze what is happening. And refer you to a psychiatrist if necessary. Or it can help get rid of the influence of a gaslighter.